Two weeks ago tonight I was on a date. Yes a traditional, planned, well executed, old school date. Of course it had been a while for me, a year removed from a long term relationship, and 8 months removed from a “date” that was equally fun but not equally respectable. Men have been speckled in the interims, but yes 2 dates is what I’ve come up with in the last year. I’m not here to talk about the disaster from last December though, which would have been no more than a one night stand if I didn’t still happen to be friends with that chosen one.

I’m writing to talk about this great date I had two weeks ago and how like a flash of lightening, the moment was here and gone before I could even recognize it for what it was, an illusion perhaps. A great chemistry born in hours and dead in days. Death always finds a way in our hearts. I went to Boulder to meet this stranger. I was terrified, but Boulder I figured, was the best place to journey to feeling that way, since it has always been the place I seem to go to overcome my fears.

Maybe one of my biggest fears, and it was in hindsight misguided, was that this date would be terrible in some way, I wouldn’t like this guy and it would be obvious or he wouldn’t like me or we wouldn’t like each other and it would be awkward with no escape. Or maybe I feared it would be ok but just fall flat and be a waste of my relaxing Sunday. I wasn’t afraid that the date would be great, beyond my expectations, maybe even surreal and then I would never see this person again. Now that’s something to be afraid of. But alas I’ve survived a disappearing act.

We sat on Pearl St. and watched street performers after dinner, a father and his little girl were belting out tunes. “All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray….stopped into a church I passed along the way, well I got down on my knees and I began to pray…” It was a sweet ending to a good night. I sat there with my date after the music had stopped, leaning against each other, I looked up for a second and the little girl was looking right at me, like she knew something I didn’t know.

She was thinking, “girl you’re a fool.” I looked in her eyes and I looked in my date’s eyes and I trusted them both. My heart was open. Maybe that’s why it was such a great night. He seemed like such a nice guy and interested to boot, he walked me to my car like a gentleman and gave me a kiss and that was the end of that. My heart ached for a few days upon realizing he was a dating Houdini.

Of course it’s the not knowing that drives a woman crazy, mixed messages coming from confused idiots, who we look to for answers. Girl you are a fool. The answers are in here, the love is in here, not out there. Goddesses longing for silly dudes, no wonder the world is off balance, but we are really most angry with ourselves for giving away our power. Open thy heart, keep thy power.

I put myself out there that day because I want connection and love in my life like we all do and it didn’t work out. The failure of that immediately made me want to quit trying to find what I’m looking for. Putting yourself out there and seeking what you deserve in life will not be a bump-free road, there will be many dragons along the way, missteps, hurts, disappointments, but you don’t stop. Take a day or a week for gentle suffering and discouragement and then move on. No closer to your destination? Then why are you stopping? Keep going, you must.

Opening your heart is always a risk, if only for a few hours, it is open and therefore vulnerable. But with an open heart is the only way to live this life and the only way to be able to see all the beauty it has to offer. Sadly though with an open heart you become susceptible to seeing all the suffering life has to offer too; with awareness you end up experiencing both to extremes.

Moments come and go, people come and go, your heart will love them, long for them, seek them, try to hold on to them, and your heart will lose them because that is the nature of life and that fact is not as sad as we make it.

Life is in constant change, constant motion, a breath is born and released away in a second, gone forever, your own breath that was in your lungs is already now back into the universe, the ether absorbs it and sends it in another direction. Through time, the same air flows in and out through us and back around the world again. If we try to hold onto it, we will suffer, we cannot, we must let life change and proceed forward.

I’ll remember my sweet date, and the sweet little musical talent on Pearl St. and that beautiful summer night in Boulder, but they are now gone forever. I’ll remember that getting hurt is not a sign that your heart shouldn’t be open, if your heart is open it will almost certainly get hurt, but that is not a failure, that is to be expected. Patch it up and it’s a new day.