The year was 2004, the month was July and I was preparing to begin a new journey: college. It was surprisingly not the brightest time in my life. I was embarking upon a transition that had far greater implications than I realized at the time.

I was leaving my mom alone in a house that had begun to cloud with shadows. Maybe shadows from before us, but then we added our own too. And I always wonder did the darkness of that house create problems in our lives? Or was it just a metaphor for what my family and I were to endure while we lived there?

A couple of overnight guests claim to have seen a figure that they described as male. One time the figure was at the bottom of the basement stairs and appeared to be wearing a hat. Another time the figure appeared to be bending over the bed, watching my sister and her boyfriend while they slept.

I had a couple weird moments in that house too. The funniest one is the day I woke up and my alarm clock was on the pillow next to my head. People said I must have moved it while I was asleep. We typically try to rationalize the unexplained because in our linear thinking world we operate like everything can be explained. Most people need a wake up call.There comes a moment when we realize everything cannot be explained in the clear terms we might like. In trying to explain everything, rationalizing the minutiae of life, we lose sight of the magic, of the mystery.

My mom’s room was beneath mine and she said she heard footsteps up there all the time. She said she would call up to me to see what I was doing. But I wouldn’t respond. Maybe a soul was left behind there on Yale Lane, stuck in time, not ready to move on to the light yet. If that soul or souls were suffering, than we found them because we were about to embark upon on a tremendous amount of suffering ourselves.

It was in that house that my mother became very sick. She started her long journey home back then when her illness began. Perhaps she knew, and we all did unconsciously that she was going to die. Ghosts roamed the halls of our house and she was becoming a ghost too. The shadow of her former self haunted us all. Our life was changed forever.

No one should have to watch their mother change like that. To see the life slip away from her over the years was surreal. It was a subtle, continuous heartbreak, watching her lose everything that made her who she was. It gnawed on me day after day. I wasn’t sure how would it end but suspected often there was only one way it could.

Life consists of many miracles but it also consists of tragedy and death. Those are inescapable facts. It doesn’t make life any less beautiful or any less worth living.

So in 2004 after graduating high school and realizing that my mom’s time was limited I was anxious about the next chapter of my life. The idea of going to college terrified me. That summer I began to hear a whisper. Signs are everywhere. My spirit was calling me to remember some valuable things. I was getting the call at that time because it was key to my survival in this world.

Have you gotten the call yet? The call to understand more about this world and the life after. Ghosts were the first spiritual concept that I believed in and wanted to understand more. Ghosts are just the beginning. If you cant wrap your mind around the existence of ghosts then you are not ready for the great mysteries yet.

I still think about the ghost on Yale Lane and my own ghosts there. I’ve dreamt of that house many times. It’s eerie yet sentimental. The ghost of my mom haunts me in more ways than one. She watches over us I know, in a literal sense. But she haunts my thoughts too because I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if she were here. Her absence continues to haunt me, like a vacant space that can never be filled, a wound that never seems to really heal. There is so much of her in me too, more than I probably even realize.

But for all the things she did that made me stronger, that made me who I am; losing her made me who I am too. The ghosts of our past are painful. They may still make us angry, make us cry and shake our heads because it’s not fair. But our past suffering, our losses and all the people we’ve loved along the way make it possible for us to carry on. Every time something bad happens, we are again forced to realize how incredibly strong we are, otherwise we would forget. We must exercise muscles to strengthen them.

When I was young I was afraid of ghosts until I began to understand what ghosts are and why they are here. Once I understood that, they no longer scared me. I may not have had the desire to understand ghosts until death stared me in the face. Mysteries are waiting to reveal themselves to us, we just have to want to discover them.

The mysteries of life may not be calling you yet. But when they do, don’t be afraid to answer, they will comfort you like nothing ever has before. Pain and suffering are ancient companions of planet Earth, so all we can do is find ways to coexist with them and find ways cope with the heartache we will often experience while living here.

The ghosts and shadows will always be here, they will always haunt us, we can’t ignore them but we move on each day in spite of our sorrow.

“Monday, Monday, so good to me, Monday morning it was all I hoped it would be…” The Mamas and the Papas ring in my ears. This song always made me appreciate Mondays more. People tend to reject Monday, it signals the end of freedom.

Naturally, every week day is associated with a planetary body. Tuesday is the day for Mars/Ares, the god of war. On Wednesday we hear from Mercury, the messenger.  Jupiter/Zeus reigns supreme on Thursday. Venus the goddess of beauty greets us with love on Friday. Saturn/Kronos, father time rules our Saturdays. The bright, glowing sun starts the week again and shines down on Sunday.

Then it’s moon day. Monday is such a practical day on our modern calendar. It’s the first day of work and school and yet it is the day ruled by the moon. An interesting juxtaposition because the moon is a mystical being, one that rules our dreams and controls the ebbs and flows of the ocean. Interesting that an archetype of such mystery would rule a day viewed as being so mundane.

The moon is the mother of the ocean and the ocean is a symbol of the great collective unconscious.  She controls women’s cycles and women’s cycles are the source of life. The moon is a night goddess. Her energy mothers each and every inhabitant of this planet. She is the keeper of rhythms and seasons, she brings balance to the sun, and she whispers to us while we sleep. She shares the secrets of the universe and so much more. She helps us remember because she kindly stores our memories for us.

“Everything we remember, everything we have experienced, is stored in the cauldron of the Goddess. Thus the moon represents our feelings, our habit patterns; in short the personal unconscious. Some esoteric astrologers call the Moon the planet of past karma—which is another way of saying that the Moon represents that limitless well of feeling patterns which, for the most part, unconsciously directs our actions in the present,” (Mythic Astrology p.64).

Maybe we need that energy to start the work week. We need our great mother to watch over us on Monday as we enter the world. There is no denying Monday gets a bad rap. No surprise really, the goddess usually gets the raw end of the stick.

But as stated the moon represents our past, our karma and included in that are things we aren’t always eager to face. In that way she reminds us of the work we came to do on this planet, not just your regular day job kind of work, but the big time karmic work. The moon wakes us up on Monday and says “honey get up, you have a lot of work to do.” She’s a friendly alarm clock but we still say, “Damn it mom, no I don’t want to work I want to keep sleeping!”

The mother is there for you when you need her. She will hold your hand and help you through the tough times. But she is usually the last to receive much in return. That is her job. There is a difference though between not being applauded and being blatantly disrespected. Mothers, like the moon, are mirrors and they show us things we don’t always want to see. That’s not a reason to reject the mother, instead we should be thanking her for reminding us of our goals and pushing us to always be better.

“It is a well-known concept in the astrological world that the Moon represents negative emotional patterning from the past that must be overcome or transcended in order to fulfill one’s solar destiny. This sometimes results in a belief that the Moon itself is negative while the Sun is positive and must be developed at the expense of the Moon. This kind of one-sided emphasis tends to devalue the feminine. Such negative labeling of the Moon reflects a deep-seated fear of the unconscious or feminine principle characteristic of solar or patriarchal societies,” (Mythic Astrology p.66)

The last year has been a reminder that women on this planet still do not always get the credit and respect that they deserve. Our patriarchal world is out of balance, more than I realized a year ago. The goddess has so much to say right now. She is the only way this planet will heal. And yet often when goddesses speak truth, they’re “bitching”, or their voice is off putting, or they’re hysterical. “How dare that woman profusely express her emotion,” they proclaim.

When people react negatively to women who use their voice well and loudly, they don’t realize they are shutting out the goddess and it is obvious they are not ready to evolve. The silencing of women is more rampant and persistent than we readily acknowledge. We have come a long way in terms of equality but the double standards are still glaring and frustrating.

For so long women have been quiet. In many parts of the world right now women are being silenced. Times are changing. If women cannot speak then this planet is doomed. The mother, the goddess, the moon has much to remind us of and it is time we all pay attention. We can no longer reject the goddess and if we do there will be consequences.

“But whenever Monday comes you can find me crying all of the time. Monday, Monday can’t trust that day.” Many of us inherently don’t trust the goddess or our inner feminine side. The masculine has been so overemphasized that we have come to think of it as better. This could not be further form the truth. Masculine and feminine are both equal and totally necessary for life on this planet and they must both be balanced and relied on equally for a healthy psychological state.

Sunday is filled with ease and Monday with work. Do we learn from ease? Or do we learn from pain? Struggle? I’d rather dig deep than glide across the surface. And both are great! That’s the beauty it’s a perfect dance, an eternal balance. But right now digging deep and working hard doesn’t get enough credit. Everyone wants free and easy, but that’s not what life is, that’s not what it was built to offer. Maybe we fear Monday because it has the most to offer, within it lays our greatest potential and that can sometimes be a difficult thing to face.

*Mythic Astrology: Internalizing the Planetary Powers (Ariel Guttman and Kenneth Johnson)

Happy half new year. We may forget such a marker. We have trudged along for six months since winter and here we are. Changed? Probably so. But as we welcome July we begin again. We may refresh and see this as another new beginning. How will we finish the year? How will the year finish us?

Lately it feels like life is having its way with me. It turns me, twists, me tackles me, exhausts me. The explanation is two-fold I think. One, we should never really feel like life is running us and we are not in control of it. Things will happen try to help us realize that’s not how we like it. There may be warnings, hopefully a wake up call,  then you regain strength and take the wheel again.

The second reason life feels that way sometimes is because it’s supposed to. This is after all a ride and while you are meant to commandeer your car through life, there are other cars on the road and other circumstances that will affect your journey.

On a large scale, the last 6 months have been tumultuous. Never in my life have I seen such heightened energy surrounding politics, media, the judicial system and branches of government none of us previously understood. If you don’t know what I’m talking about than you should. Pay attention because these are unique times. When the tension builds like this, the winds pick up, people begin to take notice and we must believe that all of this means great change is upon us.

Can the appearance of a dark soul ultimately be the event that lights up the world? So many loving, light carrying souls stand aside quietly in repose waiting for a moment to help. Many kind souls are complacent, maybe even lazy. They don’t want to have to fight for peace they just want peace! But we are not there yet. We are still in the fight for what is right on this planet.

Americans live blessed lives. We have struggles of course like hitting a parked car and waiting 6 weeks for repairs (me). Or worse not being able to pay your bills or losing a loved one. Our hearts ache for many reasons but many of us basically have essential comforts and beyond. So much so that we may not realize that we have an unconscious suffering playing in the background. That heart ache is spurred by other people’s suffering in the US and around the world who do not have basic comforts. We are all one, all connected. So every time an innocent child dies in the middle east we feel it, every time a woman is abused or sexually assaulted we feel it, every time money is put before human lives we feel it, like ripples in the water, no one is immune. The scales of injustice affect us all.

So many people don’t realize this and even if they pondered it, they wouldn’t believe it. Truth doesn’t hide, people keep it hidden. You can watch Fox or CNN, it doesn’t matter what you “watch” what matters is what you “feel”. You have an internal guidance system, we all do! It’s your higher self, your inner voice, when was the last time you heard it? Furthermore when was the last time you actually listened to it? Your inner voice has much to say and it speaks truth.

We are a country that is almost completely cut off form our own inner guidance systems. And now we have a leader that exemplifies this very bad habit of only focusing outward. Look within, listen within, that is where you can find the truth. Stand in the light or hide in the dark. Speak your truth or speak lies. It’s a choice we make everyday.

There is a great war, it has been repeated for centuries and centuries, upon lands far and wide, east and west. Modern people are realizing that we are now in a deeply profound, historical moment. The history books are not finished being written yet. We will be in them. What side of history will you be on?

I had high hopes this year but sometimes the bad guy wins. In life there isn’t always a happy ending. Sometimes the story lines that stick with us the most are the ones where things don’t go the way we want them to. The lessons that can be gained from not getting what you want can be powerful.

It’s funny that Trump’s favorite song to play at his rally’s and now his “thank you tour” is a great classic by The Rolling Stones. “You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need.” This song was brought to my attention when I was reading a great motivational book years ago called “Divine Intuition.” I never thought I’d be hearing it over and over again to introduce someone who could not be any farther from having a divine intuition.

But that really captures the essence of Trump; nothing is as it seems. Lies, lies and more lies to make up for the earlier ones. He shows a total lack of accountability, maturity, honesty, empathy, intellect, responsibility, or kindness. A moronic, sexist bully is going to be our president like it or not.

So yes, we hope the story will end in peace and happiness, and yet when it does not go that way, when it ends in sorrow we are ultimately not surprised because that is an outcome we are familiar with. Life is suffering. This is at the core of buddhism. And not just sometimes but at it’s core life as we know it is ultimately a struggle.

Some like myself are more willing to say it than others. I try to honor my shadow because I can’t help but be what I feel. If I feel something that is troubling it is difficult for me to not be in it, to revel in it a little bit in an attempt to understand it. I will never be able to overcome my own suffering if I don’t understand it’s reasons and I can’t understand the reasons if I don’t admit to the suffering in the first place. You have to be honest with yourself. Sometimes its ok to feel like life sucks because sometimes it does.

Life as we know it can be difficult, harsh at times. It’s been that way for us for a long time. Deep down we are used to it and actually in modern times, it’s easier than it was in previous lives. After all how bad can a Trump America be compared to the French Revolution or communist Russia?

We are living on a thin line between love and hate. There is an anger and tension in the air. It has been layering for a long time, hundreds of years, thousands of years of strife and struggle. And it all seems to be coming back around, circling back to us and beginning to take shape before us.

I was heart broken the night Donald Trump became the future President of the United States. Ultimately it wasn’t the literal fact that this person had just attained the highest office in the land. It was because of what it said about where we are in terms of our evolution toward inclusiveness and love, truth and understanding. For people that believed we were moving forward, that we’d turned a corner, November 9 was a crushing blow and a huge surprise. We were innocent and naive enough to believe that we were now living in a world where fear, greed, and lies would no longer win. We were wrong.

We woke up Wednesday morning with a powerful message, “there is more work to be done.” We aren’t there yet. We continue to struggle with fighting the past and shaking off our constant disappointment that we just aren’t there yet. “There” being a new age, a society of love, freedom, connection, learning and acceptance. However, we have to remember this is still our destination at the end of this long journey. We may have lost the battle but we will win the war.

The call that there is more work to be done is discouraging at first but then you realize fighting for a purpose is one of the greatest experiences as a human. This is a fight worth fighting and the light will always win, the truth will always win in the end, love will always win. It just takes time. Ultimately buddhism is not a hopeless religion, it’s a beautiful religion that honors that we must take on our suffering, we must work to reap what we deem important, and ultimately unconditional love will end our human suffering.

Nothing just happens. We have to create it. We have to be the spark of fire on a dark cold night. It comes from us, from our intention, from our desire, our passion, our intestinal fortitude, our sadness. The time to sit by idly has ended. You must pay attention. Be aware of the times. This is our world, we can’t expect it to be the way we want it if we pay no mind to it. The country, the planet is demanding our attention. Care about what is happening because it is important.

Speak your truth because whatever you have to say needs to be said. Put it out there, say what you feel, be what you feel. Contribute to creation in these troubling times. The world needs you. We will get through this and we will get where we are going eventually. We are going to a higher place, a higher life.

Life on Earth is endlessly filled with curve balls, changes of direction, retrogrades. Life on earth is just never as easy as we’d like it to be. But all we can do is shake our heads and laugh. Because we know, while we may not always want to, we have the power to overcome anything. This too shall pass and one day long from now, I’ll look out at a beautiful pink sunset and remember the sadness I felt when I thought hope was lost on a Tuesday night in 2016.
Hope is never really lost. It can be lost in a moment but not in a lifetime. There is always hope.

The time has come. The time has come to speak up.The time has come to fight back. The time has come to love. The time has come to be true. The time has come to feel what you feel. The time has come to trust in the universe. Everything happens for a reason. Trust in this and hope for a better tomorrow.

One of the most magical things about cannabis plants is their crystals. They glisten and shine like little diamonds, like snowflakes, like lights on a Christmas tree. Cannabis plants are decorated with their own Christmas lights provided by mother nature. It is a beautiful thing to behold.

Winter is coming again. The nights grow longer and the holidays are near. I always thought myself lucky to be born one week before Christmas Day. That time of year had layers of celebration for me as a child. I definitely fall into the category of a spoiled millennial. Although I consider myself to be in the first wave of millennials for whom the ground is more solid.

Personally my life has been anything but ideal. To say my life is not what I expected is an understatement. But in so many ways it is better than what I expected too. It falls into the category of,“You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.” Our generation cares a lot about what we want and when it comes to what we need we aren’t quite as intrigued.

Yet in my life it is when I embraced circumstances that I didn’t think I “wanted” that I ended up gaining more than I ever expected. On the contrary when I’ve gotten things I’ve wanted in life I’m never left satisfied. As sure as you are that your thirst will be quenched once you achieve some goal or obtain some possession, it’s never quite enough, the pull of wanting catches you, and you are again lost in a downward spiral of craving. Never is this maddening cycle more evident than around the holidays.

We are inundated with decorations and commercials, overindulgence and excess. Encouraged to want more, to eat more, to drink more. This is a short version of what we refer to as “the holidays”. Ultimately we end up needing a holiday from the holidays. There is a lot of emphasis on consuming and receiving. Frequent questions in the month of December fall along the lines of, “What do you want for Chistmas?” “Hey what did you get for Christmas?”

What can we get and how much can we consume pretty much sums up the holiday season. This is our chosen method for celebrating the end of our years on this often troubling planet. We kiss the year goodbye by indulging in our worst habits. It seems to be a time of year when it is more evident than ever that maybe our way of life is missing the mark when it comes to true joy and happiness.

Despite my joy as a child in receiving gifts and eating lavishly, as an adult I’ve been a victim of the holiday blues. Year after year I struggle to walk away from Christmas feeling a real sense of joy. And each year I ask what went wrong? I wonder how I spent another Christmas day stuck in disappointment. Maybe it’s because I have yet to realize and accept the fact that Christmas is not about my happiness, its about other people’s happiness. It’s not about what gift I did or didn’t get, it’s about what I give to others and not just on Christmas day but everyday.

It seems that many of us have neglected the spirit of giving. What if the emphasis was truly on what we can do for someone else? A celebration of love to end the year could be giving back to others. This may sound cliche or you may say “wait that’s what Christmas is already about.” But it seems rare that we truly give to others without an expectation of something in return. Giving back isn’t buying them socks, perfume, gadgets, slippers or toys but by giving them you, your undying love and presence, your ear, your words, your truth, your helping hand, your advice, your acceptance, your admiration. The years go by so fast, faster all the time. As we complete one after another, each presenting it’s new challenges, the hope is that we come closer to our true selves, closer to our heart centers. Closer to a place of giving rather than receiving and giving without any expectation that it will be returned. That is unconditional love and that’s what Christmas is about.

An iconic image of the Christmas season is of course the tradition of decorating a Christmas tree. We all bring a tree in our home for a month and allow it to grace our living rooms and peacefully watch over our holiday festivities. For me, one of the best images of the heart center and unconditional love is a tree. Trees have a lot to teach us about selflessness. For trees life is not about wanting more and more or me, me, me. Life for trees is about giving. They have no ego, they live a life of unity, interconnectedness and sacrifice.

Of course one of the most important trees in my life is cannabis. The cannabis plant exemplifies the spirit of giving more than any plant. The ways in which this plant gives back are numerous. One single plant may reach hundreds of people. The power, sacrifice and ability of these plants to bring healing energy to human beings is unprecedented. Its merits are becoming an undeniable fact to the majority of the population. With all the division in this country this year one thing is clear, cannabis is turning the map green. This magical plant offers so many people with the opportunity for healing, for softening for understanding and connecting. Fortunately, it is becoming accessible to millions of people across the country especially because it appears now we may need it’s guidance more than ever.

We can’t always get what we want, sometimes your family can’t afford the newest iPhone or Beats headphones. But sometimes we get what we need and what we need now in our country is healing, understanding and above all unconditional love. Unconditional love can only flow form our heart centers. Christmas trees and cannabis silently remind us to stay centered and love unconditionally. That is the greatest gift you can give to those around you.

Here I am a Christmas baby who has always disappointed by the holidays. The holidays tend to remind me of all I’ve lost and now at 30 years old with a son of my own, the time has come to not focus on me, me, me and all I’ve suffered. The time has come to focus on the future, on all I’ve gained, on all I have to give, all that I want to give back to the world, to my country, to my community, to my family, to my son.

Cannabis reminds me “it’s not about you, it’s about giving love and service to the people that surround you and the planet you live on.” The plants whisper, “everything will be ok, the undying thread of love is ever present.” They ease my fears. “Be merry” they sing for there is so much to be grateful for, so much ahead of us that will shock and inspire us. I’m so glad they are along for the ride. May we all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

We all have moments in our life when we feel lost. Maybe we cross a bridge and suddenly we barely recognize ourselves. You may panic a little. You may say “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” Suddenly there is a space in your heart and you feel empty.

The first reaction to this is probably fear. Followed by a strong desire and tendency to cling to what you were before you crossed that bridge. All the while, amidst the sadness in your head and your heart, you fail to realize what is really happening. You are changing. The world around you is changing constantly.

After this bridge, there will be another and another. The emptiness you feel is not sadness its openness and if you can let go of what has passed, that hole in your heart will be filled with something new. The cells that make up our physical bodies are constantly replacing themselves so in 10 years we will literally be completely different people than we are today.

As we go in and out of phases we can get confused and feel like we are losing our grip. Transforming can be unnerving and we are constantly transforming. All you can do to feel more comfortable is loosen your grip, release control and go with the flow. You must go with the mighty flow. Life is an ocean, the waves of change twist and turn us, don’t fight the tide it’s a losing battle. Fighting the flow of life is not really living in the world anyway, it’s living in your own head.

If we overcome our fear of letting go and make the decision to move with the natural progression of life we will find clarity. We will be present. And although we will still be crossing bridge after bridge we won’t feel lost anymore. In our clarity we will realize the seat inside of us that is ever present, the seat of witness, observer, and appreciator of all that life delivers.

With all the talk of change, at the end of the day what we truly seek is a continuous relationship with the center in our hearts that has been spinning since the beginning of time and will continue to do so throughout eternity. The seat of the soul, in your heart center is a better place to live than in your thoughts. Live there and you will have no problem letting go, live there and you will find clarity, and if you live there you will discover the magic of that place is that it never changes. In the seat of the soul peace is unwavering and ever present. They say home is where the heart is, I prefer to think heart is where your home is. Stay closer to home and you won’t get lost.

I have been smoking cannabis for just over 13 years now. It’s been a long journey with my dear companion. People may not be comfortable with someone referring to a “drug” they’ve used for 15 years as a dear companion. However, the description could not be more fitting. In that time the acceptance and openness about cannabis has really evolved, more than I ever dreamed.

When I was 18 years old smoking $50/oz.’s of crap, I never imagined I would be living in one of the first legal cannabis states and working in the middle of a flourishing, new age industry, surrounded by the best quality flower and concentrates maybe in the world.

But as luck would have it here we are living amongst such beautiful, healing plants. As nature intended, cannabis is being given another chance at life. Of course it never really went away, but now it can be cultivated, sold and shared in a legal, open manner and it is an amazing thing.

Cannabis has come out of the closet. In the process a flurry of innovation and creativity has come about. What was once a dry, dull green weed you crumbled in a dirty bowl or rolled in a joint is now a whole new world of possibilities.

Alchemy is at work in the cannabis industry. You almost have to see it to believe it. Delicious edibles, candy bars, gummy’s and caramels; topical, lotions, and patches; shatter, wax, and full melt. This is a world where so many of us don’t even smoke flower anymore. We actually have to remind ourselves to smoke flower every once in a while. It’s like “remember to stop and smell the roses”, we have to remember to stop and smoke some flower.

But of course it all starts with the flower, there would be nothing else without it. Within the flower is the power, the power to heal, the power enlighten, the power to relax, the power to spread knowledge and truth. All other extractions and infusions seek the same essential elements from the cannabis plant. They extract the elements in the flowers that engage the human mind and spirit.

A new friend recently made fun of us in the community for calling weed flower. But that’s what it is after all. It’s a flower like a beautifully cultivated rose not like an unwanted weed that you rip out of your yard and throw in the trash. A long time ago cannabis was given names that sent the message it needed to be discarded. The agenda being pursued back then has finally failed.

The power of the flower is too great. The truth has been revealed. In the end the truth will always come out. The idiocracy of “Reefer Madness” has been replaced with the knowledge that cannabis can help people tremendously. The only madness is that the actions of a few selfish people and the lies they told so many years ago have followed this magical healing agent like a bad reputation, a dark shadow.

Now is this time to let the light shine through. In the light is the truth, in the truth is the power. Luckily the light shines bright a mile high in the sky. Maybe that’s why the power in the flower is something we see so clearly here in Colorado.

Rapture me. Cross the line between us, the line that divides us, the line that lies. Cross it and take me. Take me in the way you truly want me. Take me in the way I truly want you and there is no turning back. You stand behind it afraid, not knowing what you really want or knowing and being too afraid to take it, to reach out and grab it, to touch it, to taste it. A boy who only talks and looks, words, words, words, waste me away. I tire of words, all I want is your action, be a man and take action on that which you desire. Take action on me once and for all. Be true. Be true and know that I do not want you to be my friend. I want you for what I seek, what I seek is passion, depths, pleasure, sex. So be it, own it, honor it, and accept that it’s what you want too. And let the games begin, I’m bored with your delays, your chatter. I want your skin, your sweat, your hands upon me. I want to feel you inside me.  Your hold on me is great. It cannot be denied. And it may be this way until I get what I want. What I want is you, your beauty, your essence, your body in raw sensuality, physicality on top of me, to touch me, to penetrate me on every level, leaving every fiber of my being, tingling, aching, wanting more. Or be my friend I suppose leaving me in perpetual wonder…

Go ask Alice. There are so many different ways of thinking about things. It’s all about the angle. “The time has come the walrus said to speak of many things…” He finished by saying dabs and acid. We need to talk about dabs and acid. Of course for me it’s always been weed and acid, a nice smoke from the most beautiful, green, crystallized flowers in the world, mixed with an occasional visit from Lucy. However now, a new world has opened up. In Wonderland doors never stop opening. It’s a rather magical affair.

I fell into a rabbit hole many years ago and it is still one of my favorite places to go; pot and mushrooms and acid oh my. But recently, I found down there in that other world a little piece of sticky gold with a note wrapped around it, the note read “Dab Me”. Dab me and you will see. “Oh a dab will do you,” said the smoking caterpillar, torch in hand, “just a daaaab, a little daaab is all you need.” He seemed mellower than ever.

“The time to hesitate is through, no time to wallow in the mire……” Jim Morrison’s words echo throughout the forests and down the long corridor I initially fell into. It hits my soul, my spirit, on such a deep level that if I close my eyes, I fear lifting outside my body. I open my chest to the infinite night sky. The light wavers and shakes and dances in the empty space and I dream of another place another time, all the while grounded in the here and now. Grounded in Wonderland if that can be considered grounded at all.

“You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, girl we couldn’t get much higher, come on baby light my fire, come on baby light my fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fiiirrrre…” That’s when Jim would have taken a dab.

Dabs and acid will the light the way is a saying wrapped around a doorway. Dare to walk through it and the outcome may take you by surprise. “Stronger….Better….Faster”……..are written in chalk along the path one after another. The dog’s tale dusts the words away as she walks in front of me. I remember my higher intentions for a moment and so quickly my lower vibrations brush it all away. I forget because it’s so easy and I’ll remember again and someday I’ll remember forever.

The business across the street makes glass for buildings and on their sign it says “Helping you see the light.” Apparently dabs and acid and glass windows are “helping you see the light.” “Eat me,” says the acid, “dab me,” says the piece of gold, “look through me,” says the glass and “see the light shining through,” says Alice.

More dabs and acid in the future, until then, feed your head, feed your heart.

Two weeks ago tonight I was on a date. Yes a traditional, planned, well executed, old school date. Of course it had been a while for me, a year removed from a long term relationship, and 8 months removed from a “date” that was equally fun but not equally respectable. Men have been speckled in the interims, but yes 2 dates is what I’ve come up with in the last year. I’m not here to talk about the disaster from last December though, which would have been no more than a one night stand if I didn’t still happen to be friends with that chosen one.

I’m writing to talk about this great date I had two weeks ago and how like a flash of lightening, the moment was here and gone before I could even recognize it for what it was, an illusion perhaps. A great chemistry born in hours and dead in days. Death always finds a way in our hearts. I went to Boulder to meet this stranger. I was terrified, but Boulder I figured, was the best place to journey to feeling that way, since it has always been the place I seem to go to overcome my fears.

Maybe one of my biggest fears, and it was in hindsight misguided, was that this date would be terrible in some way, I wouldn’t like this guy and it would be obvious or he wouldn’t like me or we wouldn’t like each other and it would be awkward with no escape. Or maybe I feared it would be ok but just fall flat and be a waste of my relaxing Sunday. I wasn’t afraid that the date would be great, beyond my expectations, maybe even surreal and then I would never see this person again. Now that’s something to be afraid of. But alas I’ve survived a disappearing act.

We sat on Pearl St. and watched street performers after dinner, a father and his little girl were belting out tunes. “All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray….stopped into a church I passed along the way, well I got down on my knees and I began to pray…” It was a sweet ending to a good night. I sat there with my date after the music had stopped, leaning against each other, I looked up for a second and the little girl was looking right at me, like she knew something I didn’t know.

She was thinking, “girl you’re a fool.” I looked in her eyes and I looked in my date’s eyes and I trusted them both. My heart was open. Maybe that’s why it was such a great night. He seemed like such a nice guy and interested to boot, he walked me to my car like a gentleman and gave me a kiss and that was the end of that. My heart ached for a few days upon realizing he was a dating Houdini.

Of course it’s the not knowing that drives a woman crazy, mixed messages coming from confused idiots, who we look to for answers. Girl you are a fool. The answers are in here, the love is in here, not out there. Goddesses longing for silly dudes, no wonder the world is off balance, but we are really most angry with ourselves for giving away our power. Open thy heart, keep thy power.

I put myself out there that day because I want connection and love in my life like we all do and it didn’t work out. The failure of that immediately made me want to quit trying to find what I’m looking for. Putting yourself out there and seeking what you deserve in life will not be a bump-free road, there will be many dragons along the way, missteps, hurts, disappointments, but you don’t stop. Take a day or a week for gentle suffering and discouragement and then move on. No closer to your destination? Then why are you stopping? Keep going, you must.

Opening your heart is always a risk, if only for a few hours, it is open and therefore vulnerable. But with an open heart is the only way to live this life and the only way to be able to see all the beauty it has to offer. Sadly though with an open heart you become susceptible to seeing all the suffering life has to offer too; with awareness you end up experiencing both to extremes.

Moments come and go, people come and go, your heart will love them, long for them, seek them, try to hold on to them, and your heart will lose them because that is the nature of life and that fact is not as sad as we make it.

Life is in constant change, constant motion, a breath is born and released away in a second, gone forever, your own breath that was in your lungs is already now back into the universe, the ether absorbs it and sends it in another direction. Through time, the same air flows in and out through us and back around the world again. If we try to hold onto it, we will suffer, we cannot, we must let life change and proceed forward.

I’ll remember my sweet date, and the sweet little musical talent on Pearl St. and that beautiful summer night in Boulder, but they are now gone forever. I’ll remember that getting hurt is not a sign that your heart shouldn’t be open, if your heart is open it will almost certainly get hurt, but that is not a failure, that is to be expected. Patch it up and it’s a new day.