They knew she was changing but they didn’t know why. A new light, a new fire was emerging. It gave them pause, they stopped, they stared, they wondered what happened to the shy, insecure, guarded girl they knew before. What was it they pondered? What lit that flame? Maybe some day they would understand but the truth is that the fire resides in a part of her they never understood anyway, a part of her they never tried to uncover, a part of her they didn’t really believe existed. Maybe that’s why it took her so long to let it out, to free herself because no one around her ever really encouraged her to find it, no one else around her ever really saw it, in fact they even tried to keep it form rising within her because it frightened them. 

Then there was one set of eyes, that saw it immediately, that knew all too well that this queen was born to shine. And then it really all began and she recognized her own fire, remembered her light, her purpose, her tremendous power. She was born again after looking in the mirror when her twin let her know she was not only worthy of love but worthy of magic, worthy of her all her wishes coming true. Who was it that told her she couldn’t have everything? Oh just everybody she ever met pretty much. And now she laughs that people allow themselves to be so sad and foolish thinking misery is a guarantee. They say dream big princess but they always liked to remind her in moments why she wasn’t quite good enough, why her spark wasn’t enough to change the world. 

Now standing atop a mountain that was not easy to climb she looks out upon everything with a bird’s eye view remembering her source, her pains, her shadows, but more aware than ever of her gifts and talents. And all she really wants is for everyone to feel what she has discovered in her heart. Because she knows now that what she always dreamed was true, she knows there is love in this world, in this life, true love, unconditional love, unity and interconnectedness of all things that makes it worth living. She knows everything has life, everything has purpose, everything has magic, every person, plant, animal, every object animate or inanimate, every number, color, season, all of it, it all has meaning, it all has purpose, it was all set in divine motion long ago. And now we watch it spin and flow into existence, we watch as the beautiful tapestry is woven before us. 

Surrender to the feminine, whether it is the one within or the one outside of you that wants you to give her your heart, or just to the great mother who is always watching over you, always warming you whether you acknowledge her or not. We may not realize this but the feminine holds the space for all of existence. She is the bringer of life, the keeper of love and when we give ourselves over to her completely, only then does life really begin or rather only then does the life you were meant to live really begin. Only then are you beginning to live your divine purpose. Only when you surrender to the feminine are you set forth on the path you were born to follow. 

The time has come for the queen to reign again and the reason is because that unlike the king, the queen doesn’t really want to reign, she wants to love, she wants to create, to nurture, to connect, to unify all her beautiful children. The kings of the past have wanted to divide, whether out of fear or for more power, either way division must soon die. The queens will remind us that it is only when we come together that we will not only survive in this world but thrive, create the life we want to live, one where dreams become reality, one where the sword doesn’t constantly come down on you, one where you feel safe to lay down your sword and love yourself and see the beauty in all the bounty around you. The time is now…surrender to the feminine, surrender to the flow, surrender to the divine. The goddess is rising and this journey has only just begun.

Another year has begun
The snowflakes drift down outside
Heavy enough to fall but light enough to float
I feel like I’m floating
Maybe I’m flying
With a destination in mind
And more so I feel like I’m fighting
And in between I’m waiting
Waiting to be free
Fighting to be free
Breathe in through your nose
Out through your mouth
But breathe just breathe
“Practice patience” is whispered in my ear
Or rather in my mind
A whisper from above, from beyond
“All in good time” they say

We want what we want
The universe is showing the way
But nothing is set in stone
Something is calling you
You know you must answer
The only way is to answer
To follow that which your heart longs for
Yet you feel stuck
Like you’re standing in deep, deep snow
You just can’t get there
You can’t get to what you want
You see the light
You sense the path
But how?
How do I free myself?
How do I get to what I want?
How do I get to the thing that makes my heart sing?

Another new year
So we must begin again
But who says this is the beginning
Did the heavens dictate that January start the year?
Or that Monday start the week?
Or was it man who made it so?
Like most things in this world
Perhaps it was both
The universe breathes ideas into us
And through our hands into reality they flow
What was water yesterday
Is concrete today

So much of the time
I worry I am wasting my life away
Tick tock goes the clock
And it never stops
Can’t it just take a break?
Just for a second? A minute?
Give us a chance to catch up
But it refuses
Father time is stubborn
So on and on we must go
So many questions
And not enough answers

Seek and you shall find
Call it magic
Call it love
Call it inspiration
The universe breathes it into you
It’s come to me more than ever lately
“But now what?” I say
“You have shown me all this magic
Sent me so many messages
And here I still sit
Stuck I still feel.”

But they promise there is motion
They promise there is movement
That work is being done
Divine planning in action
Time is passing
So energy must be moving
But it’s so slow here
Everything feels like slow motion
They made it that way for a reason
Because when it feels slow
You must learn to trust

Trust what you know in your heart
Trust the signs
Trust in the cold
Trust in the winter
Trust in the loneliness
Trust in the calendar
Trust in the rhythm
Trust in the purpose
Trust in time
Trust in infinity

Your divine role is being shown to you
Your place on the stage is becoming clear
Be brave enough to play it
Be brave enough to fly
To break the chains
To break from the cage
To spread your wings
To soar across the open water
Into the night
Into the truth
Into the heart cave
Into the beyond
Beyond this place
This place that limits you
Holds you
Keeps you

Point your arrow to the beyond
Shoot
And follow it’s path
All the way to your destination
All the way home
All the way to the place
Where you can reclaim your freedom
Reclaim your happiness
Your beauty
Your power
Your strength
Once and for all.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.” Psalm 23

Is the world burning or bright and full of color? I cannot decide. And so it must be both. I just had a vision of myself staring out my living room window and the sky was full of black smoke and flames and then it switched and the sky was full of vibrant, rainbow colored clouds. I feel like recently I have walked through fire.

Whether I wanted to or not it happened and I’m changed by it. I have faced fears, made choices I never thought imaginable for me and let a strength or perseverance kick in at moments that I wasn’t sure I even had. 

Then I look back and see that is why it all had to happen and why more must be coming because I had to learn that about myself again. I had to learn how strong I am at my core, that I can accomplish anything, that no feat or challenge will knock me down. Well it may knock me off my feet but I will get up and I will keep fighting. I won’t let anything keep me down for very long. 

My recent tests also had to happen so that I could trust in the universe again, trust in the magic and beauty of this world and remember the sound of the song life sings. I remember walking the streets of Boulder in December over a decade ago at dusk and the sky was pink and beautiful and I felt love, pure love hanging in the sky, hanging over me, drifting down into my heart and soul. This morning I was driving at dawn and the sky was pink, such a beautiful, warm glow rushing across the mountains, the front range standing tall with god smiling down upon them and on all of us who hustle about our lives with the mountains forever in the background.

“Look up,” the angels whisper from above, “look up sweet child, may you never forget you are so loved and protected.” The sky is calling you whether it be the bright light of day providing you with strength or the mysterious call of the twinkling stars and the moon hanging heavy reminding you of your depths and feelings. Look up and you shall find support. The ground is meant for your feet not your eyes. 

Of course staying down to the ground is a must too and while I will always be looking up, I know that “here” is where I must be, here is where my story is playing out just like yours. And as I write “my story” I realize it is all a “mystery”. I tell and live my story each day and yet it is a mystery, tomorrow never carries any guarantees. I love my story and I love the mystery of it, the highs and lows, the misfortunes and the moments where maybe everything felt ok for a second, the coming and going, the souls that love us and drift away. You never really know what might happen next. While that can be incredibly challenging that is what makes life so amazing, so exciting and enticing, that’s what makes life worth living. 

The truth has always been my ally, my tool to get through challenging times and this year I have learned you can’t always tell everyone, everything. There are moments when it’s ok to protect the secrets in your heart. Because the secrets in your heart are your truth but the world may not always understand and they may judge you harshly making you question what you know you feel. And so it is better to keep it to yourself. Our greatest quandaries in life are confusing enough, let alone with 10 other people’s feelings and opinions playing into your decision making process. 

When you come to a crossroads, a fork in the road, a big one, no one can tell you which way to go. You may want them to because one of the hardest things is making a big decision and not knowing if it’s the right one. There is no way to know for sure. It is a mystery. You just have to trust what you feel. No one may ever understand how you feel or why you feel the way you feel and that’s ok because it’s your job to understand how you feel and know why you feel the way you feel and that’s all that matters. Know thyself and let everything else fall into place. 

Recognize that no matter how boring life may feel at times, how complacent you’ve gotten in this great mystery, your story can change in an instant, it’s like a flash of lightening. Someone may walk into your life on a random January day and something changes, maybe you didn’t even realize it that first day, you didn’t realize that this stranger came to change your life but as the great mystery unfolds you realize that is exactly what they came for. And now someone you passed on the street a year ago is deeply intertwined in your fabric, in your ether, your aura, they are now a part of your story and you look up to the sky and say “oh yes now I remember and thank you for this gift for I believe again.” 

And weren’t they meant to be a part of your story the whole time? Wasn’t your story a tale written long ago? It was written before the moment occurred and so it was always meant to be, you always knew it was coming, you sensed it along the way, it was written in the stars, written in the sky. Then when it finally happened you woke up. You woke up and you said “hello 33 I think I’m ready now.” 

I will be 33 next week and I’m reminded of 11 years ago when I turned 22 and that was the last birthday and Christmas I spent with my mother. So it seems I’ve come to the river of life and death again and I suspect 33 will present me with many challenges and great surprises. I sense a year of profound transformation is awaiting me. While I know it is dangerous to say this, I dare say…I am not afraid anymore.

I have my Michele at my back throughout this journey and I hear her say “I was a rebel Chanel but you’re a warrior and you’re going to go way farther than I ever did.” But the truth is that we are going to go farther together because I know I have her support on the other side, the only plus when it comes to losing a loved one. While we may prefer their love and support by our side, they can help us in ways we can’t even imagine from their new vantage point. 

The last Christmas present I gave my mom was a piece I wrote for my whole family that I called, “Words from Wonderland.” Sometimes when I read it I wonder how I knew all that back then and how much of it I have forgotten over the last 11 years. It was like I grasped all these spiritual truths at that time, I had this glimpse of it, of the future, of heaven and I was able to give that to my mom before she passed but it’s almost like it was meant to be a gift to myself to help me get through the last decade without her. Because while I had this clarity when I wrote “Words from Wonderland” I was about to go through such trauma, such sadness and pain and I was about to lose sight of everything I had just begun to understand. I reached this mountain top and I was about to make a major descent into the depths of the ocean. At the time I didn’t really know what was coming. 

That’s the scary thing about life, you never know what’s coming next, your worst nightmare may be around the corner or your dreams maybe realized tomorrow. The great mystery continues to unfold and it will haunt you every step of the way. The best thing to do is hold it’s hand and walk into the darkness, walk through the fires willingly, walk into the great unknown, with pride, with strength, with joy and anticipation. 

Walk into the shadows protected by the light with warrior strength because you are warrior strong, you were built that way, you were meant to withstand the scorching fires, the tremendous waves crashing upon you and the frigid, cold moments when you are completely alone. You were created to survive it all, to survive anything and everything. So fear not, fear nothing, I promise you will survive to see another day, a better day because I have. There is no moment of completion though, we don’t just have to survive once we have to survive over and over and over again. 

When you look out your living room window, there may really be fire in the sky but it can’t burn forever, at some point it has to stop burning and when it does the black smoke will clear and the light will reveal itself, it will shine again, it will rain down warm, pink rays, the clouds will glow with faces and waves of rainbow light and you’ll trust again that no matter how long or how bright the fires burn form time to time, the light and the pink clouds will always exist behind them. Darkness and pain are a hugely important part of this life but love and light will alway have the last word. 

And I will have the last word too. At 33 as a woman on this planet, my voice will no longer be quieted not by others and not by myself. Speaking is something I am no longer afraid of and I hope every woman out there no matter what age realizes how important it is that you speak your truth. You must be heard. Whatever your story is, tell it. Women can heal the world if they would just let us do our work. But they like to push us down, shush us because they are afraid of the change we will create. They are afraid of our great power to heal. They can stifle it but they can’t stop it, not forever. The time has come for us to take back our power and it starts with our voice. It begins with our word. In the beginning was the word, and in the end it is our word that will create life, create change. 

So as I approach my birthday this year I expect nothing maybe for the first time ever because you can only suffer so many disappointments before you realize you need a shift in perspective. That’s what 2018 has been about for me. I started this year disappointed by a lot of things and by the end what I got were some major shifts in my perspective. And now after being in the trenches I realize it’s time to direct my gaze upwards again and have a little faith that everything is on track, everything is just as it should be, everything is occurring with seamless flow, in utter perfection, complete balance, such synchronicity, this life we live, I love. 

“My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23

*Read “Words from Wonderland” there is a link to an attachment in the menu above. 

She is a blaze of fire, she is enigmatic, bright, warm and sexy, she pulls you in, it is difficult to look away. But would you want to anyway? For the first time in a long time, you feel alive, you remember the source, the life force, the goddess.

Inside she is the ocean, frightening depths, vast, expansive reaching waters, infinity is in her feelings, her emotions know no end. She weeps, whaling, visceral cries, the tears stream down her cheeks because she knows suffering better than any. She is suffering, she is your suffering, she is her own suffering, everyone’s pain is real to her, every story is valid and must be heard, every soul worthy of her love and compassion. 

She has been frozen, stuck, imprisoned, repressed for a very long time but the time for change, for balance, has come and the ice is melting away, her mobility and strength are returning and that wild fire she burns, that burns deep in her soul is burning through the ice that has frozen her, burning through the hands that held her down, held her back because they feared her, they feared her magic would destroy them. Her moment of glory, redemption and salvation await.

The goddess has many faces. Some might accuse her of wearing masks. But a mask implies a lack of ingenuity. That is not the case. She is genuine, she is real in every role she plays. She must play many, that is what the world demands of her, that is her service and she serves well. 

She is asked to do many things and she puts pressure on herself too because she knows how strong she is. She knows she is capable of doing it all. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy, its rarely easy, and that doesn’t mean she always wants to, she’d often rather be doing something else.

She does what she’s asked, she does what she’s been told and she does it while smiling otherwise she’ll receive condemnation. But the time has come for her to shift the tides and reign in the power that she has always been blessed with. The time has come for her to free herself from the chains that have bound her for centuries. Her grace is the light that will shine and awaken the world. When she is bound up, everyone suffers. To see her is to be blessed, to be touched by magic. 

She bears the weight of heavy eyes upon her all the time. Eyes seeking only for their own benefit, their own gain, steal from her glimmers of beauty, glimmers of hope. Cause while she kills herself trying to do it all, the sparkle in her eye still saves lives, gives someone a reason to go on another day. 

She’s ok with that, she’s thrilled with that, that is actually what she lives for, the hope that her existence made even one soul feel better, feel loved. Then she has served, then she has accomplished what she ultimately seeks and tomorrow is another day and she’ll do it all over again. 

They’ll never really understand her, the men, the boys, the children, they may see her, they may want her but they never really get her. She is a great mystery, an enigma, an ever changing image of beauty and flow. But whether they understand her, whether they appreciate her doesn’t necessarily matter. They still love her and she them but she waits for the day that they’ll give her the respect she truly deserves. 

She has lived many lives. People left in her past forever, only in her memories, only in her dreams. She has changed and yet she is the same at her core, the little girl inside who feels unworthy of love reacts as the scenes of today play out. She must grow up, change, let go and realize that love is her birth right, she is love, she is a channel for love, a vessel for the source and it is her purpose to stop worrying about the love she didn’t get, the love she never had and give it freely to everyone in her orbit. 

She is the embodiment of raw, organic beauty, sensuality, sexual energy, the creative life force is her special province. She is the mother, the daughter, the sister, the princess, the queen, the bitch, the whore. Whoever she is, wherever she is, she is beautiful, she is primal, she is mystical. She walks the moonlit path always seeking more. Always striving, longing and dreaming of a world where unconditional love is not a rare occurrence. She dreams of a world where the love fills the air and hangs in the ether like a veil of rose colored mist. 

And yet as the world stands today, perpetual heartbreak is her common state. There is so much suffering, too much suffering, abuse of power, abuse of the goddess, injustice and tragedy. The great mother weeps as her children struggle below, day after day, century after century, chapter after chapter.

When will the power of truth and love rule again? She wonders and wonderland is ok for moments here and there but for the rest of the time she must fight, she must focus. She must carry on and remind everyone along the way that everything is going to be ok. She is a warrior, a warrior for peace, for justice and equality, a warrior for love, creativity and passion. She is a warrior goddess in flow. 

The tears flow down her cheeks, the blood out of her body, the love out of her heart, her hair in the wind, her soul into creation. She must flow, she must be in flow, in her own flow and in the flow of the universe. She is a mirror, a reflection of pure light and love. She is the creator. She is the source of life. She is the goddess. Respect her, love her, honor her, because you need her. Her love will save your soul. Her light will save the world. 

. 

The heart wants what it wants and in the end it usually gets what it needs too. Following my heart is really the only way I can function and navigate life. But letting your heart lead the way can feel dangerous at times. I’m like “hey where are you taking me?” But I usually go anyway, even if it seems crazy. Throughout our lives it is hard to trust. It gets harder, then it gets easier, then something bad happens and it gets harder again. It’s not just about trusting people. It’s about trusting life, having faith that you are on the right track. The heart seeks experience readily as if there is only goodness in store for us but life doesn’t only serve up goodness. Life serves up everything. You may say the heart is naive, but it only seems that way because the heart knows all life experience whether joyous or painful is worth every minute. There is goodness in the darkness.

Your heart may lead you into a black hole and you curse it thinking “I should have followed logic. I knew I couldn’t trust my heart.” But wherever it takes you is where you need to go. So our heart gets hurt pretty quickly in life as it learns goodness can actually be hard to come by. Then of course comes the building of walls. Major construction takes place around the heart until one day we realize we are separated from everything in our lives.

In protecting your heart you cut yourself off from the main source of life and vitality. And you’re a fool to think you can protect your heart from pain anyway. It is inevitable so don’t waste your time trying. Don’t waste your time building walls to protect from foreign invaders. Spend your time trying to open your heart, listen to it and let it guide you on your path cause it will surely take you where you are supposed to go and it will bring you to those souls along the way that you require for growth. It will deliver the people you have been waiting for. When you meet someone for the first time and you think “hey I know you.”

Along the way we live in fear that our heart will get neither what it truly wants nor what it actually needs. So we hopelessly neglect it all together at times. To further complicate things what our hearts want and what they need may seem to contradict each other. But the truth is that despite those confusing layers, whatever the heart wants is exactly what it needs. Even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. Wanting is the language of the heart. The heart speaks through desire, through longing, through passion, through music, through love. Listen to what your heart is telling you it wants cause there is a reason. Turn your back on it today and it will call again in the future but the ring will be louder. The heart will not be ignored. Try to trust where it’s telling you it wants to go. 

At its core the heart seeks connection and through that connection one may experience a sense of unity, harmony, gratitude, or bliss. We were born to connect, with people, with nature, with our environment, with our ideas. And it is when we feel this connection to something “other” that we feel truly alive. We all dream of that feeling when our heart sings because something has struck its chord. They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We can’t be afraid to experience something because we fear losing it. If your heart is pointing to something chance are it is worth the risk for one reason or another. Experiences we have may never fit our great expectations but experience will always feed us. Especially heart driven experiences, they will feed our souls.  You’ll be closer to yourself, closer to the sun, closer to the moon and the stars. 

One of my favorite things in life are pink sunsets, they are magnetic and beautiful and remind me of my soul and its connection to this mystical planet. But they are fleeting. I could stare at a sunset for hours. I could stare at a sunset forever. But sunsets don’t last that long, they come and go quickly. Just because I only get to watch a sunset for 15 or 20 minutes doesn’t mean I would rather not have seen it at all. Seeing it, if only for just a moment, was worth all the feelings it gave me. I can’t hold onto it. Those are the best things in life. The heart has an appetite for the best things in life. It is your greatest tour guide. If you’re shutting it off you are missing out on what you came here for. 

Open your heart, feel your feelings, go get what you want, life is too short, the time is now.

There are moments in life when something is so close and yet, so far away. We see it, we feel it, we hear it, we sense it, but we are unable to get to it. This feeling is frustrating, especially depending on how much your ego thinks it wants that thing it senses. It’s right there, why can’t I get to it?

Sometimes getting from point A to point B can be impossible, it takes forever because life gets in the way. We are set out on our path, ready to accomplish all we dream of, and on the way bumps arise, monsters emerge, walls block the path, hearts break. After a while we get tired and the worst is when we get lost in all of that. We get so lost that we never get back to our original path. We forget where we were going.

As an adult, I’m learning that two things plague me the most in my life. They are the most responsible for my suffering. These two things nudge my depression. The first is consistency. I’m plagued by an inability to be consistent in my daily life. The second is limitation. Facing limitations head on can feel like a lion standing in a cage.

Interesting though that this duo plagues me the most because it seems that one is actually the remedy for the other. Consistency is the only way to break through and move past our limitations. We have to be consistent and persistent; it’s the constant pushing of human will that breaks through the ether and creates change.

If we get lost in all the paper dragons that pop up before us, if we get lost in our sorrow and anger because we have met a limitation, we will never have the will and clarity to keep going, to do the real work that is necessary to move forward. Evolution is work. It takes faith and it requires a tremendous amount of will power from us human beings.

Sometimes you can only do what you can do. It sound obvious but it is true. Sometimes you just can’t give as much as you want to. In this life we have so many limitations placed on us. Different ones at different times. They are always there though. There is always some type of limitation we face.

We are so focused these days on speaking about freedom and how you can do anything you want. Ultimately this is true, but life is not just about soaring, life is about fighting and working to break our chains. And as life would have it, we break one chain only to have another placed around our ankle, wrist, or neck.

Freedom is what we strive for but the role of limitations must be acknowledged too. They challenge us, they cause us to suffer and they are very often outside of our control. Sometimes we need to let go of what we think we want to be, of the image of who we aspire to be and just be who we are here and now in order to get to that goal.

You can never really appreciate freedom either unless you have felt what its like to have it restricted. People who have never faced limitations, or very few in their life, seem to lack a sense of appreciation for what it means to suffer. That which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger, and better. That which doesn’t kill us, frees us from the notion that life would be better without struggle.

Freedom and peace seem so close and yet so far away. It seemed like just when we thought we might unite, we divide. We have a lot of work to do but we will get there eventually. Consistency is the only way. We will keep fighting because what other choice to we have?

Over time, day by day, week by week, the flood waters of strife and limitation will recede. One moment we are drowning, floating in the ocean that has washed upon our shores, there seems no end in sight, no light, no salvation and then days later, weeks later, we are out of the water, we can breath again, our feet are safely upon solid ground. But the water doesn’t come and go without leaving its mark. We will never forget and that will forever make us grateful for where we are; anything short of drowning is a win.

Sometimes if you don’t know how bad life can really get, you may never be able to appreciate how truly wonderful it can be. The limitation game is a difficult one but one we all must play, whether we want to or not. It’s God’s game. But it’s a game we can win, day by day, with the notion that no matter what happens, we will never give up on our goals, we will keep fighting against the tide no matter what. We will get swept up in flood waters, but we will never forget where we were going when it started raining and we will get back to that path no matter how long we’ve been lost. We will find a place of true freedom, love,z and understanding in the end.

Every fall for the last 10 years, the Annie Lennox version of the song “Don’t Let it Bring you Down” speaks to my soul. Last year I heard it often as I worried about the impending implications of the election. The first year it stood out to me was 2007. I was in a film class and we were analyzing “American Beauty”. A classic film about the modern struggle and the decision to break free from limiting circumstances. Lester was tired of being bored and lifeless, so he made some changes and in the end before he died he was smiling. He overcame the limitations that had been placed on him at that point in his life and he died in peace.

The fall of 2007 was the last fall I had with my mom. She passed away the following winter. We are coming up on the 10 year anniversary of her death. Only now, after 10 years, do I feel like the flood waters are finally receding. I’m starting to feel like Chanel again and getting back to the path I was on before she died. 10 years may seem like a long time but never put a deadline on you mourning, it has a course of its own you can’t control. From the perspective of eternity, 10 years is nothing.

Just have faith, which I haven’t at times, that you will always find a way back to yourself. There will always be a way back to the path you started out on. It’s not a matter of if, only when. Time has a way of bringing you exactly where you belong. The trials will be arduous and there will be many but that is all a part of the game. In the end, we will soar like the free spirits we are, back into the universe. But until then, find the beauty in the pain, in the suffering, in the limitations we face. There is a purpose for everything in this world. Your tears are always well spent.

“Don’t let it bring you down,
It’s only castles burning,
Just find someone who’s turning,
And you will come around.”

Trees have so much to teach us. May we be like trees, standing firmly, roots digging in the ground, letting our branches reach for the sky and sway in the wind. We could weather any storm. This is the essence of strength on this planet. Trees operate from their center naturally; they don’t know any other way to be. This speaks to a very important notion, “as above so below.”

Our center is our heart chakra. Interestingly enough the color associated with the heart chakra is green. When we operate from our heart chakra, from our center, we bring the energy from above down and the energy from below up. Spiritual purpose is not all about living in the upper chakras, it is about blending the spiritual and the physical at the center. This is something to strive for and trees are everywhere to remind us.

The heart chakra is a melting pot where everything comes together in unity and from that mixing of energies comes oneness and unconditional love. The United States is also described as a melting pot. A place where everyone, from all over the universe can come together and blend, creating a sense of unity and eventually perhaps the acknowledgment that we are all one. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be working that way yet. That is because of the lies that divide.

In this way though, our country is a representation of the heart and the possibility of coming together and loving each other unconditionally. We can still be the beacon of light in the world, the place that promises freedom and always considers humanity. But we are divided and we have a long way to go. We can begin to strive for better though; starting with each of us as individuals in our own lives. However trivial we may feel at times, we can all create change.

In this life we have also been given tools that can help create change. Many of those tools come from the plant kingdom. These tools have the potential power to heal us both physically and spiritually. There are too many to discuss all in this one piece. But the most well-known and the first on the food chain of psychedelics is cannabis.

You’ve seen signs that say “hemp can save our world.” What if hemp can save the planet and greatly assist its inhabitants? Unfortunately it is illegal in most parts of the world. How can cannabis save the planet when it is not allowed to exist? And why is it not allowed to exist?

The only reasons for the stigma attached to cannabis were intentionally and maliciously created. The gentleness of this drug, its positive affects on people, its healing benefits and just its general popularity have given it great power. The power of cannabis is so great it could not be repressed. People from far and wide enjoy this drug, people from vast reaches of the planet need this drug, people from the traditional to the unconventional, religious types and atheists alike. At the end of the day, or at least at the end of my days at work, the one thing that connects us all is cannabis.

I never thought when I started using cannabis as a teenager that the world would be the way it is today. It’s one of the few areas in which we as Americans have truly made some progress in the last 10 years. Five years ago we were all anticipating the election and Colorado was about to legalize marijuana. Of course many of us were already knees deep in medical cannabis. So having the right to work with and use cannabis was not new to us. Some in the community weren’t thrilled about the potential switch to recreational sales because of the headaches that would come with transitioning.

But regardless of that it had to happen because it meant progress. Cannabis has medical benefits and great significance as a serious treatment for an array of ailments. So it made sense that it would first become legal through that doorway. But the truth is that marijuana never should have been illegal in the first place! We can thank yellow journalism for that; fake news was the undoing of the reputation of cannabis in the 1930’s. Every human adult deserves the right to decide whether or not they choose to consume cannabis just like they have the right to choose to drink alcohol or caffeine.

It’s ultimately a bodily issue. We never really hear this argument but it’s my body! I can choose to do with it as a wish. Keep your hands off my body, my mind, my consciousness and my right to expand my consciousness. Clearly the government does not make drugs illegal when they prove harmful otherwise alcohol would be illegal. Do you think they are working on making pharmaceutical opiates illegal right now in the midst of a massive crisis? Probably not, these drugs are legal meanwhile we are in a state of emergency because of opiate addictions. People are dying rapidly while CEO’s of big pharma companies are probably poolside at their mansion. At the same time petty marijuana offenders are sitting in jail. The whole thing is a total joke.

I went off on a rant there but back to the right to choose. Every person deserves the opportunity to make decisions about what is best for them without being lied to and having certain drugs pushed on them over others because of special interests. It is unfair, unjust and the time has come that we wake up and take our consciousness back. They want us to sleep. When we are asleep they get what they want. When we are awake we get what we want.

The cannabis plant is a beautiful reflection of the divine feminine. Every plant that flowers is female and the plant realm is very goddess filled in general. Cannabis has the power to bring forth and awaken so many things in individuals and within a society. Much of what it provokes falls in the realm of what I have described before as being the repressed feminine. Seems like it’s always big businessman who historically enjoy repressing the feminine.

Further, cannabis speaks to the heart chakra. She is a plant that encourages peace and unity. Cannabis plants stand tall, like beautiful trees. They represent strength and the beauty of flowering, the ability to grow and evolve. We are mirrors in some way. We are what we eat. And that term could not apply more than we are talking about what drugs we eat. Feed your head, feed your heart.

Cannabis was placed on this planet by the great goddess and she is also a great goddess. Cannabis is queen because she has the power to bring people together from different walks of life, the power to heal people physically and emotionally, the power to stimulate the heart chakra, the power to save millions of other trees from dying on this planet. She has the power to soften and awaken each of us individually and potentially collectively. At some point we all have to start tuning to a new frequency, tuning to the same frequency and altering consciousness is a part of that journey.

Fortunately for us, despite so many forces actively working against cannabis, the truth will always be revealed. I also believe that no matter how long it takes, the scales will balance out eventually. Certain people will continue to try to keep our world out of balance but in the end, they will fail. The betterment of humanity will win.

Something that was new to me in my college years was staying up all night. There is a magic in watching the sun rise, never having gone to sleep the night before, never having laid your consciousness down to rest. Those nights when you just seamlessly move into the next cycle of light. Toward the end, I realized there were two very different ways I’d seen the sun come up, and both had to do with drugs.

The first drug that kept me up all night was alcohol, mixed with a little lust and desperation. The sun was not as kind on those mornings. The second way I experienced the sun rise was after taking LSD for the first time in April of 2006.

I remember walking down the stairs of an apartment building in Boulder, after having been up all night tripping, and seeing the lights on in a main-floor unit with empty beer bottles scattered about. It was immediately apparent to me that I was feeling a lot different than whoever was passed out in that apartment and better than my former selves who had done the same thing. That morning I felt clarity, light, joy…

This feeling stood in stark contrast to the sleepy, drained, depressed feeling I had after drinking all night. Am I suggesting LSD become the new preferred drug over alcohol? Not exactly. That would be quite a battle, taking on the most accepted and marketed drug of all time. Cannabis has a better chance of wining that battle.

But if more people ingested acid than alcohol, would we better off in any sense? I say yes. Psychedelics have the power to transform humans in a profound and fundamental way. Cannabis is our gentle healer, she is transformational but on a smaller scale. LSD and alcohol can transform your life on a major scale, sometimes overnight. However they use their powers of transformation quite differently. One helps you understand the world around you and one strips you of awareness of the world around you. Having less inhibition is a great feeling but one that moves you further away form being your best self.

Maybe it seems to odd to be comparing LSD and alcohol, such different drugs, they are like day and night. And they don’t serve LSD at Chili’s. But after my first time using acid, the universe made that comparison for me, and so clearly that I could not ignore the significance of the message. It was trying to tell me something very important about these drugs and their affect, not only on our society and psychology, but on our history and our future.

On a basic level, it’s very important to not put all “drugs” together in one pile and people usually leave alcohol off the list, foolishly. I love when people say “I’ve never done drugs” with a glass of wine in hand. That’s ok though, we are all drawn to different drugs, for one reason or another. But perhaps the main motivation, whether we realize it or not, is that we desire to play with our consciousness. It’s malleable and fascinating to watch it relax, and then contract or expand.

All drugs have “spirits”, different liquors do too, and just like humans, the varying inclinations of their spirits affect the type of drug they are, and how they interact with the human spirit. There is no judgment here, the alcohol spirits lure me more than ever. But I think back to that morning when I realized that some drugs contract our consciousness and some expand it. Mind expansion is possible with use of certain tools. “Remember what the door mop said, feed your head, feed your head,” (White Rabbit).

Mind contraction is possible too. Alcohol, stimulants, and opiates are the first that come to mind. These drugs darken your worldview over time, contract your mind, bring you down; these drugs want you to only focus on them. These drugs have the ability to turn us into addicts, where all we want is more and more of them, and less and less of the life around us. They teach us little except how to suffer. That is their power, for it is great, and in many places these drugs are winning. They cleverly keep people from being who they were truly meant to be.

Of course alcohol doesn’t have to always go that far, but it has ruined a great many lives. And yet, a glass of rosé is so sweet and innocent. It is a great magician. However, it is important to note too, that drugs are only the first part of the equation, the soul and consciousness with which they interact are the second.

We all have different body chemistry, different brain chemistry, different genetics, different life experiences. We don’t all react the same way to the same drugs. There is a dance that takes place between us and them. Regardless, the fact remains: some drugs contract and others expand. The ways in which they may are infinite. As infinite as the personalities on this planet.

The point of this is not necessarily to encourage people to take psychedelics, but to draw attention to the possibility that things are not always what they seem. What is casually deemed as common and innocent can actually be harmful and dangerous. And what is deemed as scary or outrageous might actually be hugely beneficial. This is the major crux when it comes to drugs in our society. It is a great game of misperception, mislabeling, and perhaps a desire by some, to keep people from truly expanding their mind, truly discovering the mysteries of this world, and gaining direct access to spiritual answers and experiences.

Later in the summer of 2006, I had spent another night awake on LSD with my neighbors, and as the morning came closer, I wanted to escape them and be alone. I was always searching for something back then, something magical. Around 7am I put on my headphones and got ready to walk up toward campus. “It’s a beautiful morning” came on my shuffle, “I think I’ll go outside for a while, and just smile.”

A white cat with blue eyes had come up on our porch. He had chosen us as his new owners. I continued on my walk anyway, looking for someone I always hoped to find, but never did that day. I was beginning to realize though, I had found something else and it was helping me discover more than I had ever imagined.

*There are moments in life when you know you are on the right path. Life doesn’t always feel that way but every so often, our path leads us somewhere or to someone that seems “meant to be”. Events and chance encounters are written in time before they unfold. Last year I was given the opportunity to write articles for THC Magazine. On my second assignment I developed a virtual friendship with one of the most enlightened minds I have encountered in my life thus far. Our connection is one that is written in the stars. This is the article I wrote about my friend Juan Matthew de la Tour.*

The story of a hero is an ancient one. A hero according to late, great Joseph Campbell “is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.” In the story of life you are the star and you decide how to express your unique voice.

“Everything starts with a story, a story of creation, a story of any individual who has brought Light/Truth to the planet.There is no justice where there is no truth. Freedom is lost when we are not permitted to think or say or free to question what must be questioned,” Juan Matthew De La Tour.

In modern society people may often feel bereft of creativity and spirituality. We live in a time of science, technology and “plastic”. Modern warriors of today fight different battles than heroes of the past. Today the heroes that people need perhaps, are creative ones.

Juan Matthew De La Tour is a peaceful warrior in this modern age. He is an artist and a light to be seen. Living in central Pennsylvania, in the “mountains of dark,” where medical marijuana has not yet fully taken shape; Juan Matthew is creating eye catching cannabis inspired art. He also falls on the spectrum of autism and has used cannabis as a means for coping with some of his symptoms.

Although medical marijuana has been passed in Pennsylvania the program for adults to obtain marijuana will not go into effect until the beginning of 2018. While there is still broad speculation and little empirical evidence, there is an overwhelming amount of personal stories attesting to the usefulness of cannabis in alleviating certain symptoms of autism. Same is true for many other medical conditions; doctors are just not yet able to comfortably recommend cannabis due to lack of scientific evidence. Hopefully this will change in the coming years as legalization laws will make research more possible.

Juan Matthew primarily relies on smoking to consume cannabis but is open to trying new methods. More will become available to him once dispensaries open in 2018, if he chooses to get in the system. He first used cannabis at the age of 23 and sensed how it might benefit him.

“I realized cannabis had a positive effect on me, when I could slow my mind down and actually think and see life in a more natural way. I could slow down the music in my head and find the radio frequency I desired. Gradually I made my weakness my strength and can now speak better than most humans. Cannabis helps to calm and heal individuals and this is true for me. Having autistic spectrum disorder is just a label. I have overcome so much in my life – you will always struggle but struggle tests and improves us. When you have problems you engage in thinking where imagination is one with memory. Cannabis helps me communicate, make good eye contact, and feel joyful in this realm of illusion.”

Although cannabis helps Juan Matthew in a general sense, it may come as a surprise that he doesn’t prefer smoking while making art. “I started making art early in my childhood. I don’t rely on anything but my human experience for art. The art was there before cannabis. Some ideas obviously have been inspired by THC. But not having cannabis is motivation. Cannabis for an already creative individual may generate new wonderful ideas and solutions and will continue to do so. Something inside me is different than most, my light.”

“Cannabis can influence the one individual and if that individual can change their heart then there is hope with cannabis. I believe art should give us an idea of our relationship with planet earth and each other, where we rejoice in all abilities.”

Juan Matthew’s art has many different elements working together to create a unique, seamlessly woven, colorful mosaic, sometimes including cannabis leaves, hidden messages of love and his signature 420 heart creation. He is eager to share some of his creative techniques.

“For those who want to try something new, creative, scientific, and therapeutic. Joint compound is a material traditionally used to finish walls or patch holes but it is also a blossoming new form of art I have been promoting for years. You can finger paint by smearing the compound on a canvas using your hands and fingers as the tools for original, professional art, let dry and add a paint of your choice.”

“I also use molten glue. I discovered the incredible detail you can achieve when painting dry-molten glue. I experimented on 30 canvases, devising 30 different techniques for application. I have pioneered drawing with a glue gun on numerous surfaces making the glue itself art. I want to inspire others to believe in themselves and devise new ideas and techniques of their own to share and start a New Art Revolution!”

This is the story of an artist with a vision, a purpose and a desire to create change in a positive way. Nothing can limit us or keep us from understanding the meaning behind things. Creative expression is a great way to begin to understand our world. From understanding comes wisdom. Only resistance of truth keeps you from understanding, keeps you from wisdom.

“Wisdom is the knowledge of the divine, human matters, and the cause of them. At any age wisdom is from pain. Wisdom Herself is a divine being. I am a speck of dust and all I know is that I am still learning. Most people simply do not care.” Hopefully in the coming years people will begin to understand the nature of the universe in which we live and the story of the human spirit.

Stories are a journey and we as humans are the hero and heroines of our own tales. There is a story developing in our society, it is a story like Juan Matthew’s, it is about the ongoing discovery of the healing potential of cannabis and the suffering human soul. At this point in history there seems to be an interweaving of psychology, creativity, spirituality and a drug that was once demonized is now reminding us of its greater purpose. Hopefully in the near future, science will support what many have discovered on their own.

In the words of Juan Matthew, an enlightened artist who is giving his life to express something bigger than himself, a hero in his own right, “My life is beautiful when it is difficult and I succeed. My art is the manifestation of my ancestors, strength from pain, beauty from chaos. Within my blood dwells century’s fire and I am unleashing it from my heart. My earth walk will end one day but my fire will never die.”

Some voices are here to inspire us, to remind us of the essence of life, Juan Matthew De La Tour is one of those voices. May his words ring on. “Use your imagination, nothing’s impossible, just imagine.”

Last week the President of the United States (a.k.a. Donald Trump) sat down with the “failing” New York Times, as he likes to call them. My first thought was do Trump supporters consider the New York Times to be “fake news” even when it is the voice of Trump himself which they are reporting on?

Apparently that day in the oval office Donald was alone with the 3 evil, lying reporters and one of his favorite staffers, Hope Hicks. They say she is never in jeopardy of losing her job. This lovely 28 year old, former teen model, accompanied Trump to the White House after working for him on the campaign trail and in Trump Tower before that.

Maybe you’ve never heard of Hope Hicks with all the other Trump administration headliners. She is generally hidden from the spotlight seemingly and beyond all the drama. She can usually be found close to the President and while she may defend him in person or on paper; it’s interesting that Hope is smart enough to never defend him in public, on TV or under oath. While she does hold a high position in the White House, she’s quiet about it. Maybe because she doesn’t want us to remember her pretty face alongside Donald Trump’s.

Although I enjoy the commentary, this piece is really not about Hope Hicks. This piece is about the irony that a woman named Hope sits next to the President every day while for many of us, hope is slipping away.

Every year by late July we start feeling the burdens of the year thus far. By the end of July it’s just so hot all the time; the hope that summer initially promised is fading and the autumn begins to loom. And yet we aren’t there yet, the crisp air of fall brings sighs of relief. Right now we’re in the middle, in the the thick of it and with such a heavy moon this month one might begin to feel a little hopeless.

On top of that, reaching the late days of July this year is different than any year before because in the last 6 months we have been getting used to the fact that Donald Trump is president. Let me phrase that differently, we have been getting used to what a Donald Trump presidency looks and feels like.

I think republicans feel the same, but don’t admit it readily. I think Donald Trump feels the same. He’s getting used to himself in this position of power and getting used to all that it means to sit in that office. The result for everyone is exhaustion. Unless of course you’ve been watching Fox News and have been enjoying their varied fluff pieces, Tucker Carlson’s furrowed brow and many, wonderful infomercial-like commercials. Russia what? Fake news. Sad!

For a crowd who so loudly and proudly chanted “lock her up,” they sure seem willing now to just “follow the facts” and are quick to cry out “witch hunt”. The creator of “lock her up”, Michael Flynn himself is now sweating, waiting, offering up his story for immunity. Karma anyone?  Just think, less than a year ago, “lock her up, lock her up”. A group so concerned with law enforcement must now be chanting “we love Robert Mueller.” I guess it doesn’t have the same ring to it

I have spent the last 8 months trying not to lose hope. I’ve done better than I thought. But lately I’ve grown weary and I’m doubting that justice will ever be served.

Maybe you like Donald Trump, maybe for you his rise to power doesn’t remind you of things that you came to this life to fight against. So maybe he doesn’t anger, sadden or shock you. That’s ok for you. I have a fondness for Kim Kardashian. A lot of people think she’s an egotistical, evil, power hungry, soulless person. I don’t think she’s that bad. I genuinely like her. Call me crazy. We all view things differently. But fortunately for all of us Kim isn’t running for public office. Donald Trump chose to do that. He acquired a position that is supremely powerful but it is also supposed to be a position to provide SERVICE TO OTHERS. The only person Donald Trump knows how to serve is himself.

Further he believes that all those working in the White House serve at “his pleasure” and not at the pleasure of the United States of America. Hope Hicks doesn’t serve us, she serves Donald J. Trump and that is why she is never in jeopardy of losing her job. James Comey served the FBI and law enforcement, not the President, and he got fired. He got fired for doing his job the way he was trained to do it for decades serving in law enforcement.

Sean Spicer, our dearly departed Press Secretary, stood in front of the entire press corps and millions of American citizens for 6 months spewing whatever lies his boss told him to say, defending him tirelessly. He looked like a fool, probably ruined his reputation for the rest of his career, subjected himself to mockery and hatred. That was his choice but he knew it was his only choice if he wanted to keep his job. In the end he couldn’t keep his job anyway.

I’ve said before it’s not so much about the man, it’s about what he represents. People in positions of power should be honorable, truthful, respectful, be good role models and take accountability and responsibility for their words and actions. He does none of these things.

Almost every single previous President and thousands of high-level politicians over the years have had respect for the rules. Donald Trump wants to break the rules. I’ve heard people say, “yeah that’s why I voted for him, I want him to shake things up.” I’ll say the same thing to them I say to my toddler, “not a good idea.” Change is great but blatant disregard for systems and protocols without any other plans is irresponsible. Destin doesn’t believe me when I tell him he’s going to get burned if he touches the stove. “Just let me do it,” he says. That’s what’s happening with our President and we’re all getting burned.

I haven’t lost hope yet. I still believe truth and goodness will prevail. It’s just sad to me that in 2017 we still have to fight this hard for it.