Go ask Alice. There are so many different ways of thinking about things. It’s all about the angle. “The time has come the walrus said to speak of many things…” He finished by saying dabs and acid. We need to talk about dabs and acid. Of course for me it’s always been weed and acid, a nice smoke from the most beautiful, green, crystallized flowers in the world, mixed with an occasional visit from Lucy. However now, a new world has opened up. In Wonderland doors never stop opening. It’s a rather magical affair.

I fell into a rabbit hole many years ago and it is still one of my favorite places to go; pot and mushrooms and acid oh my. But recently, I found down there in that other world a little piece of sticky gold with a note wrapped around it, the note read “Dab Me”. Dab me and you will see. “Oh a dab will do you,” said the smoking caterpillar, torch in hand, “just a daaaab, a little daaab is all you need.” He seemed mellower than ever.

“The time to hesitate is through, no time to wallow in the mire……” Jim Morrison’s words echo throughout the forests and down the long corridor I initially fell into. It hits my soul, my spirit, on such a deep level that if I close my eyes, I fear lifting outside my body. I open my chest to the infinite night sky. The light wavers and shakes and dances in the empty space and I dream of another place another time, all the while grounded in the here and now. Grounded in Wonderland if that can be considered grounded at all.

“You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, girl we couldn’t get much higher, come on baby light my fire, come on baby light my fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fire, try to set the night on fiiirrrre…” That’s when Jim would have taken a dab.

Dabs and acid will the light the way is a saying wrapped around a doorway. Dare to walk through it and the outcome may take you by surprise. “Stronger….Better….Faster”……..are written in chalk along the path one after another. The dog’s tale dusts the words away as she walks in front of me. I remember my higher intentions for a moment and so quickly my lower vibrations brush it all away. I forget because it’s so easy and I’ll remember again and someday I’ll remember forever.

The business across the street makes glass for buildings and on their sign it says “Helping you see the light.” Apparently dabs and acid and glass windows are “helping you see the light.” “Eat me,” says the acid, “dab me,” says the piece of gold, “look through me,” says the glass and “see the light shining through,” says Alice.

More dabs and acid in the future, until then, feed your head, feed your heart.

Two weeks ago tonight I was on a date. Yes a traditional, planned, well executed, old school date. Of course it had been a while for me, a year removed from a long term relationship, and 8 months removed from a “date” that was equally fun but not equally respectable. Men have been speckled in the interims, but yes 2 dates is what I’ve come up with in the last year. I’m not here to talk about the disaster from last December though, which would have been no more than a one night stand if I didn’t still happen to be friends with that chosen one.

I’m writing to talk about this great date I had two weeks ago and how like a flash of lightening, the moment was here and gone before I could even recognize it for what it was, an illusion perhaps. A great chemistry born in hours and dead in days. Death always finds a way in our hearts. I went to Boulder to meet this stranger. I was terrified, but Boulder I figured, was the best place to journey to feeling that way, since it has always been the place I seem to go to overcome my fears.

Maybe one of my biggest fears, and it was in hindsight misguided, was that this date would be terrible in some way, I wouldn’t like this guy and it would be obvious or he wouldn’t like me or we wouldn’t like each other and it would be awkward with no escape. Or maybe I feared it would be ok but just fall flat and be a waste of my relaxing Sunday. I wasn’t afraid that the date would be great, beyond my expectations, maybe even surreal and then I would never see this person again. Now that’s something to be afraid of. But alas I’ve survived a disappearing act.

We sat on Pearl St. and watched street performers after dinner, a father and his little girl were belting out tunes. “All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray….stopped into a church I passed along the way, well I got down on my knees and I began to pray…” It was a sweet ending to a good night. I sat there with my date after the music had stopped, leaning against each other, I looked up for a second and the little girl was looking right at me, like she knew something I didn’t know.

She was thinking, “girl you’re a fool.” I looked in her eyes and I looked in my date’s eyes and I trusted them both. My heart was open. Maybe that’s why it was such a great night. He seemed like such a nice guy and interested to boot, he walked me to my car like a gentleman and gave me a kiss and that was the end of that. My heart ached for a few days upon realizing he was a dating Houdini.

Of course it’s the not knowing that drives a woman crazy, mixed messages coming from confused idiots, who we look to for answers. Girl you are a fool. The answers are in here, the love is in here, not out there. Goddesses longing for silly dudes, no wonder the world is off balance, but we are really most angry with ourselves for giving away our power. Open thy heart, keep thy power.

I put myself out there that day because I want connection and love in my life like we all do and it didn’t work out. The failure of that immediately made me want to quit trying to find what I’m looking for. Putting yourself out there and seeking what you deserve in life will not be a bump-free road, there will be many dragons along the way, missteps, hurts, disappointments, but you don’t stop. Take a day or a week for gentle suffering and discouragement and then move on. No closer to your destination? Then why are you stopping? Keep going, you must.

Opening your heart is always a risk, if only for a few hours, it is open and therefore vulnerable. But with an open heart is the only way to live this life and the only way to be able to see all the beauty it has to offer. Sadly though with an open heart you become susceptible to seeing all the suffering life has to offer too; with awareness you end up experiencing both to extremes.

Moments come and go, people come and go, your heart will love them, long for them, seek them, try to hold on to them, and your heart will lose them because that is the nature of life and that fact is not as sad as we make it.

Life is in constant change, constant motion, a breath is born and released away in a second, gone forever, your own breath that was in your lungs is already now back into the universe, the ether absorbs it and sends it in another direction. Through time, the same air flows in and out through us and back around the world again. If we try to hold onto it, we will suffer, we cannot, we must let life change and proceed forward.

I’ll remember my sweet date, and the sweet little musical talent on Pearl St. and that beautiful summer night in Boulder, but they are now gone forever. I’ll remember that getting hurt is not a sign that your heart shouldn’t be open, if your heart is open it will almost certainly get hurt, but that is not a failure, that is to be expected. Patch it up and it’s a new day.